Letters to God Part 3/ First Year at University

Oliver Mark :: Ridley Scott

Dear God, 

 I am awake but slow and sad. I may be tired but this is a chemical tiredness. This is through the skull from the front, down all round my neck restraining it, tightening it like a dear noose and out the other end of my head. What makes me want to cry like a child is the prospect of voluntary care given by a man who was once a stranger a couple of months ago and now will be willing to scoop me in his arms like I weigh nothing and cradle me, rock me until I cried all of those depression, life-is -shit tears. He would blanket me in a love I am not familiar with, but I have begged for it.

“I just want to be held! I just want to be understood! Unconditionally please I beg you God, just give me pure, real, INNOCENT love”- Journal 8

My dizziness and fog have followed me all day. My speech has been erratic and I feel ill. My mood is sensitive, I am joyous, I weep. I’m hungry, I am going to be sick. I am so tired of this chemical withdrawal.  Chemicals, hormones, all tiny little molecules, minuscule and up to no good. It is strange, to be sick in the head in this way you have to learn how to be intimate with your brain, not mind. This isn’t thinking, this is atoms we are dealing with. I have to learn about it, the neurons, for it not to be such a black box in a wide ocean.